Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in warpedman's LiveJournal:

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Monday, January 30th, 2006
7:45 pm	well I must admit that so far bein married is cool :)...great wife, great son, and Im sure that soon we will have a great daughter too :). Ive for the most part moved in with Jessie at her parent's house, and things are goin ok so far. I think that Joe's noggin is starting to wrap itself around things, cause hes getting used to me living here. Im not sure he totally understands Im his daddy or that I live with mommy forever from here on out, but he's still noodling things out as any good 5 year old boy would. He also helped me and Jessie pick out a few things to register for at Target when we were picking out stuff for his little sister :D. He still has his usual up and down days, as do Jessie and I, but we're slowly getting closer as a family. Our wedding ceremony went very well, and just about everyone I know is asking for pictures, so over the next few days we plan on picking out the best ones to show everybody. I truely feel that I have the best woman in the world as my wife, and the best little boy as a son and (soon) best daughter too. I now have what I always wanted...a good job with great co-workers, a wonderful in all ways wife, and two good kids. This is one of the best times of my life!!! (Comment on this)
Saturday, December 31st, 2005
3:01 pm	well, on Monday I will be going in to the doctor to get my cholesterol re-checked and to see about getting some anti-depressants. Ive come to the point where Im just so tired of being depressed all the time, and it was seeing how hard it was on Jessie that made that happen. I dont want to be a major source of stress and pain in Jessie's life, and I really want to be someone the kids can look up to instead of someone who's always second-guessing himself. The only thing Im asking for at this point is that when the meds start kicking in that Jessie is right in saying I'll have the confidence I need to make things better. (Comment on this)
Friday, September 23rd, 2005
7:47 pm	well, despite all the setbacks the camping trip was fun. I got to spend last weekend with the best woman in the world, and she still likes me :). Granted, some things went awry...I forgot my sleeping bag, we forgot the ice, the tent was ghetto-fantastic, Jessie fell in the water right after getting onto me about splashing her, we couldnt start a fire, and we got lost driving a few times...but we were able to laugh at ourselves which was pretty cool :). All in all Im glad I went, cause it was really fun for me, and Im glad I got to spend the weekend before my new job with Jessie :) Current Mood: happy (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, September 13th, 2005
2:45 pm	hmmm..... well, I have mixed news today. This mornin before work I went in and did a drug test for Glacier, the water place, and then went to Publix. While I was at work Jessie told me she had reserved a place at a campsite so Im happy about that. Im still waiting on the bank place to tell me if Im hired or not so Im nervous about that. And finally I found out that Brandi is pregnant. Im not sure she knows what shes getting herself into, because in the almost 3 months Ive been goin out with Jessie and bein the closest thing to a dad Joe has, Ive learned that bein a parent isnt what I expected, even though all I am right now is a friend of Joes. I dunno, we'll see, I guess Im just concerned is all. Current Mood: thoughtful (Comment on this)
Saturday, September 10th, 2005
7:38 pm	new drive well, one or two days ago I finally replaced the acting-up cd burner drive I had with a dvd burner, and so far it seems to be working ok. The only hitch in the installation was that I forgot to set the jumper, a tiny lil fuse thing in the drive, to which part of the IDE cable it was on, slave or master. At first it wasnt bein recognised or anything, till I moved the fuse over one spot, and now all is hunky dory, and it even burns well :) Current Mood: good (Comment on this)
1:53 am	well, I never heard back from the banking place even though I called and left 2 voicemails with the lady that initialy interviewed me, and she even said Id hear back today (Friday). Im also beginning to have my doubts about the water place, cause I havent heard a peep out of them since they talked to my boss then turned around and told me how grumpy and shocked Mary is. Jessie and most of my other friends swear that I should just wait till monday or tuesday before I start getting nervous, but what they dont realise is that Ive seen this same pattern so many times that I know what it usually means...that I dont have a new job. I suppose its still possible that they're just taking their time, but with each passing day that becomes less likely. Sorry Jessie, but sometimes stuff like this happens to people no matter how hard they try Current Mood: aggravated (Comment on this)
Friday, September 9th, 2005
2:14 pm	nervous, stressed well, its about 2:15 now and I still havent heard either way yet about the job, which means that chances are I didnt get the job at the banking place (which sucks cause I really wanted it :(... ) so it seems like Im going to end up working for Glacier Waters for a while. I just hope that training goes well on the machines and that I can get up and running real soon, cause the longer I work at Publix the more likely it is that Mary is gonna make it a living nightmare. If things end up not working out at my new job I dont know what Im gonna do, cause that means the only usable proffesional reference I'll have will be from my 1999-2000 job, assuming she still works there. Yeah, one heck of a resume, let me tell you...3 of my 5 previous employers dont exist in my state anymore, and my most recent employer (Publix, via Mary) probably hate my guts now. Anyway time to go to work and hope the bank leaves a voicemail saying I start Monday. Current Mood: anxious (Comment on this)
Thursday, September 8th, 2005
2:34 pm	its about TIME!!! Well, on Tuesday I had an interview with Glacier waters to become some kind of technician on their water machines ya see in the front of grocery stores...the other was on Wednesday with a small bank where Id be doin indexing and general office stuff. To this point Glacier has offered me the job and Id start out workin full time makin 10 an hour with a company pickup, gas card, and truck maintenance card in addition to all the normal benefits after 90 days. The other job is supposed to let me know by Friday afternoon if I have the job or not, and if I am offered it Id be makin 8 an hour but the insurances would be free for just me (company would pay) and Id be actually workin in an office for once which is what I really want. Either way Im gonna take the job though because Ive given Mary every last chance to help me get ahead in the company and the management keeps stabbing me in the back, so whichever job I get Im gonna take cause I'll finally be rid of that woman!!! And all I can say is its about friggin TIME I get an offer, Ive only been workin my butt off tryin to get something to work in my favor :P Current Mood: ecstatic (Comment on this)
Wednesday, August 24th, 2005
5:14 pm	good day :) well, today I went to have lunch with Jessie while she was on her lunch break. Since I started Full time at Publix Ive had wednesdays off, so last night her and I decided that Id eat with her today :)...I met her at her office and we went to Ryan's and had the all you can eat buffet...she had a sprite and I had a Dr. Pepper. I was able to get her to let me pay for the whole thing, and it was cool cause I got to spend time with her. after lunch was over she had to get back to work and I came home and found out that Bank of America wanted me to take their online teller screeining thing, which I did, and so we'll see what they say...well, I guess thats it for now :) (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, August 11th, 2005
2:36 pm	coolness well as it turns out several people I know have gotten jobs this week...Jessie got one earlier this week, bringin her total up to two...my friend Cheryl has a new job (she walked into the interview and clocked in 10 minutes later) amd my friend Jennifer got a job that starts next week...time for me to figure out what they did and copy it :P (2 Comments |Comment on this)
10:50 am	I dunno ok so here's the deal...Ive been staying up late lately (I have no idea why, other than Im just not sleepy when its time for bed) and I wound up goin to sleep around 7:30 this mornin. I woke up around 9:30 but before I did I had a dream: I remember being in in this strange house that had an unfinished basement. part of my moms side of the family was over...my grandma, sister, and my cousin that had a baby were there along with me, her, and my brothers. my aunt and grandma were washin dishes in the kitchen. next thing I remember is being in the basement having a meal and going to get salad dressing and then changing my mind and going back cause the 1 kind we had was weird. I suggested finishing part of the basement but my bro's said no. I then remember bein at some sorta bar hangin with a gal. my bro had a comp and I thought he was signed in as a friend of mine but he explained that it was just cause his comp looked different cause his used a different version of windows that made it look that way. he got up and left then I hung with the gal and then I hung with some guy. the guy got up to go somewhere and I got up after a few seconds to follow him, and I saw him get hit in the back of the head by someone and the security guard made everyone stand back while the hitter left. There was an investigation of everyone there, takin pictures of all the witnesses...I somehow was leading sme ppl through a tunnel shoulder width and just high enough to crawl thru and Id had my letter jacket with medals on since before my friend got hit. I came out of the tunnel into this small compartment that was just big enough to curl up in before the wall behind me closed. I was about to get out the other way but this white thing came down and blocked me from getting onto the futuristic train tracks. it came back up but then this glass thing came down and covered it. it came up soon too, and I got part way out and started talkin to someone who befriended me (I was beginning to feel like James Bond and I already knew this new gal and gave me this tiny doll, and then I woke up. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, July 30th, 2005
11:49 pm	Have you ever had the feeling that you missed out on what you were supposed to do, that now all you can do is just kinda plod along till the end? Thats how I feel some days. Dont get me wrong, Im sure God has something in mind still for me, I just dont know what that is. I want so much to do what He wants me to do but sometimes I dont know what that is, so I just guess. Some Christian, huh, when I dont know how to look God in the eye and know where He wants me to take the next step. There are so many things in my life that I wish I could change, that I wish had gone completely differently, but I cant change those things now. All I can do is look back on all the mistakes Ive made and hope and pray that someday God will allow me the privelage of knowing what its like to have succeeded in doing what I was designed to do, to hear Him say "well done...now come home and sit with me forever". I believe Boromir said it best: "She said to me, even now, there is hope left, but I cannot see it. It is long since we had any hope. My father is a noble man, but his rule is failing, and our people lose faith. He looks to me to make things right and I would do it. I would see the glory of Gondor restored..." I used to outright not believe people when they said nice things about me, that I still had much hope for the future but now I dunno...I WANT to believe them but I dont know for sure I really have hope. I will fight every day of my life to have everything God has promised me, but I must also realise that just because HE plays by the rules doesnt mean everyone else does. We'll see what happens... (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, July 12th, 2005
2:32 am	an email to the best woman I have ever met My Dearest Jessie, I just wanted to tell you that our relationship over this past month or so has meant so much to me. I had begun to think that I would never be able to be in a relationship in which someone loved me for who I really was, and then you came along. to date I have been myself, and even cried a few times, and shared some of my deeper secrets with you and yet you choose to honor me with your continued friendship and for that I will be forever grateful. Your loving me for who I really am has helped me so much more than you will ever know. I realise that it is hard bein a single mom...harder still to find someone you can trust after all you've been through...and yet here you are saying that you care for me so much, and its all I can do to not break down and just cry on my hands and knees because you treat me so much better than I deserve. You are so beautiful and so kind and so caring that to be honest, when I first asked you out to the concert I thought that you would by default say no because I was so much below what you needed in your life. Knowing that you think so much of me despite the fact that I cant support you in every way shape and form that I wish I could has made me feel so much more special than I could ever thought I could feel...I hope to someday show you even a token of the appreciation and love and support and caring and so many other things that you deserve for being such a wonderful and caring person. Always in your debt, Matt Current Mood: quixotic (Comment on this)
Friday, July 1st, 2005
1:13 am	Thank you, my sweetheart Over the past week or so, Ive come to realise that Jessie is a very special young lady. She is one of the few people that knows the real me, and she loves me anyway. I want so much to make her life a living paradise as long as I am with her, and will do anything and everything to make her feel like the queen of my life that she is. She has given me a reason to fight on...before, when it was just me in my future, I didnt see much point in bein the best I could be, because there would be no one to share it with. But now that she and her son are in my life, I want to be better than my limitations will allow so that I can give them a tiny fraction of what they deserve. Current Mood: ecstatic (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, June 23rd, 2005
12:14 pm	:) well, I wound up goin to Jessie's house last night to watch a movie with her and wound up watchin City of Angels, then we watched 50 first dates...the second movie ended around 2 or so and we wound up talkin till about 5...I took her picture (she said I was lucky I got that one lol) and came home cause I didnt want my parents to know Id been out that late (my dad gets up for work at 6). I could have stayed there with her forever, but I GUESS I gotta get some sleep once in a while :P Current Mood: happy (Comment on this)
Wednesday, June 22nd, 2005
3:12 am	Unofficial stuff I was hangin out with my friend Jessica tonight (I think we're unofficially dating now)...it wound up bein just the 2 of us eating pizza after she put her son to bed...first we watched Hitched...then she showed me an album of her son, then one of her growin up...then we watched The Itallian Job (sometime part way through SHE held MY hand and we held hands/cuddled since then) and then the Blue Collar Comedy tour...I then gave her a back rub and then I headed out at around 2:15 cause shes gotta get up at 6 and so I hugged her bye. I think she may have wanted a kiss at some point but Im not sure, but either way I wasnt ready tonight...the whole holding hands/cuddling/tickling skirmishes threw me off :P...so maybe next time its just the two of us if I feel like Im getting that vibe again we'll see ;) (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, June 21st, 2005
12:17 am	FWAAAAHHHHHHH!!! well, just a few minutes ago I got off the phone with Jessica, and Im so glad I called her...I apparently had good timin cause there was this other guy thats been getting on her nerves on the phone with her, and when I called I "saved" her :)...I was afraid when I called her at about 10:20 that she would be a lil mad that I called late but she wasnt, and we wound up talkin for like an hour and 58 minutes...she even said the only reason she had to go was cause she had to get up in 6 hours and shes not a mornin person lol!!! But she said she is gonna call me when she gets off at 4, so Im thinkin that over all Im a freind to her [winks]. Current Mood: happy (Comment on this)
Sunday, June 19th, 2005
11:36 pm	Well, it went well. Dunring the intermision and befoe and afterwards as well we sat there talkin, and she said she had a good time and stuff [grins]. And while I packed my instrument we were talkin...I asked her if I could buy her & her son ice cream Thursday as a celebration and she said it depended on when she got home if she felt up to it (doesnt know when she'll get home or how tired she will be). She also said that her best friend (female thankfully lol) was gonna go to keep her from getting mad at her ex during trial and I told her that was cool if she wasnt up to it but if she was just give me a call and that also if she needed me to go cause her friend couldnt go or somethin to call me and Id go...she also said that sometime if I wanted I could see this one movie with her at her place if I was bored (completely her idea). (Comment on this)
3:50 am	She calls me bubberz I dont know what to write, because I have a jumble of images, emotions, thoughts and memories floating through my head right now but here it goes. Everyone tells me that in order for me to ever amount to anything I have to first believe in myself and know my true worth before I do anything else. You see, the only problem with that is that no matter what I do I cant shake this feeling that Ive gone into the wilderness. It used to be that I knew exactly what I wanted out of life and everything and that I felt I could achieve it. Lately however, Ive had to push harder to get it. You know what keeps me going on though? One of the things that keeps me going is this 19 year old gal Ive never actually met face-to-face named Brandi that thinks of me as her big brother. Ive been talking to her since 2001 and while she is not a Christian she still calls me her big brother (or as she calls me Bubberz) and is quick to remind me she loves me. Her love means so very much to me in this rough part of my life. I would do whatever I could to protect her, keep her safe, and someday bring her to know the love of God like I know it. Today has been kinda hard on me too...Ive wanted to be an accountant for years now but each time I try something to bring myself closer to that I only end up driving myself away from it...like today I accepted a full time job as a janitor cause its the only full time job at all I can get. I dunno, maybe God has something else in mind besides accounting. All I ask is that He not only show me what His will is for my life but that He also give me the strength and support I need to accomplish it. God, please show me your will in my life. I am so alone and scared right now...God please forgive me for ever having doubted your infinite love, wisdom and caring for me. I want to follow you all the days of my life far beyond my ability to do so and ask that you help me do so. Please show me the way you would have me go, please bring me along that path and please never let me forget that no matter what, you will always be here with me. God, I love you so very much and humbly beg that you forgive me of my sins and help me see the beauty you have created in me only, and not anything I have done to mar it. Please let me be nothing but proud to be called yours and continue to comfort and heal my broken heart and spirit while I go down the path you have laid bare for me to see. God, Im so scared because I dont know what to do. Please remove these scales from my eyes so that I can see what it is you would have me do in all things. Please forgive me of my sins and please show me where to go from here in terms of my career and my romance. I love you God, and please be with me always. Amen I have recently met a wonderful young woman named Jessica who is divorced and has a 4 year old son. It is my hope that by inviting her to watch Da Salo Solisti's final concert ever and to see me play with them that her and I have embarked upon a journey that will help her as well as myself grow far beyond anything we ever could have imagined, and that someday her and I will both have reached the dreams we so desparately wish to reach someday (Comment on this)
Wednesday, June 15th, 2005
5:33 pm	Well, my interview earlier today seems to have gone well. When I was asked how much I was lookin to make I told her $9 or $10 an hour, and she said thats about what they start us at. The only drawback though is that Id be working halftime...7am to 7pm saturday and sunday. Ive had several people suggest that I take the job if Im offered it, because I need to start wherever I can, but I refuse to give up church (which will lead to my ETERNAL reward) for a job (which will only be temporary). As I recall, its 1st John chapter one that says that if we're walkin in the light with God that we wont forsake walking the fellowship. I dont care if I have to live on the streets...nothing id more important to me than following God, and I need the constant fellowship of other Christians to help me with that...anyone who believes otherwise is either lying or needs to write a book and give me a signed copy. Otherwise I dont want to hear it. (Comment on this)